Coffee accompanied with cigarettes, it has been the forbidden combination for me. But now, it is allowed, just this time! And what's different about this time is that I have a third ingredient added to the recipe, tears of a broken heart. Such a vulnerable me is being materialized this moment, for an arrogant bastard that was so hard on himself, and on others, this is a first, crying over someone!
This must have been the thing they call love, and what I dubbed as, that strange feeling that made me care for someone. I never knew what they were talking about; it seemed so imaginary for me, with no shred of truth. Whenever they talked about it, and how “IT” made them feel I had a mixture of emotions; envy, frustration, amazement, mock, and a secret smile hidden beneath.
Until he showed up, tearing up my emergency pouches where I keep love. He came in without any warning, without any proclamation about who he was, what he wanted, or even what I was to him, he just declared he wanted to try my taste.
Well, I gave him a lot of tasteful things throughout the journey, liquids, solids, I even gave him the oxygen out of my lungs. I wanted to give him all of me with no restrictions, no complications, isn't that a good offer or what? But I guess that didn't work out for him, maybe he wasn't looking for such attention nor love…
We went through ups and downs, not like we were the only ones to have the tickets for this rollercoaster. All of our fellow friends have been on that ride too, but what came as a shock to me is that I noticed that I hadn't put my seatbelt on, and to make things worse, I found that out when I was hanging upside down…yes! I fell head-first banging away all my senses, déjà-vu's and my trademark kisses…I don't think I can kiss other lips again with the same stamina, the same viciousness, with the same lip-contouring lick in the end…!
Nor would I be able to perform my duties, and serve another partner well, in bed that is to say…what would I tell him if I kept repeating X's name? How would I be able to look him in the eye and not remember my X ? Or how would it feel to merge bodies while I still have big fractions of my soul with X? Would it be fair to walk around with a veil of a soul, while he has his and mine? I don't think sex will be the same again…I won't have carnivals and fireworks again…no special love anthems again…no lit candles will have the same vibe again…the candles I used to light for him, I will use them for the funeral of this snobbish heart…the first time I love, will be the angel of death to it's never-coming sisters…
Did you get the sorrow I'm in? Did I make it look so gloomy and dead-ended? I'm sorry; I didn't mean it that way, it’s just the breakup talking! Well, and a little bit of nicotine! I will finish writing, sleep, then wake up tomorrow morning, and I will be a very different person, conveying a new perspective and a new plan. I have lots in line; I just needed to get this out of my system. If I hadn't gone through this drama now I wouldn't be open to the new life ahead, a life without him, a "him" without me… and since the arrogance never vanishes, nobody deserves more than an hour of sobbing and finishing half a dozen of white tissue paper, I mean PLEASE, it's not the end of the world, and nothing will ever make me put this breakup as an obstacle in my well-smoothed way, not an option.
And whatever life takes from you, it will give you another thing, whether in Amman, Syria or even Muscat!
Life is just so generous and full of surprises, and I know there is a great outcome from all of this; I just have to wipe away my tears to be able to see it. Well, I'm not going to lie, but the last teardrop fell, you should’ve seen me when I was writing the first three paragraphs; I was like Kanye west when his mother died.
Life unfolds in front of you, and before you comprehend what is this big hump ahead, you jump into conclusion, and assume that this is the biggest obstacle. And not putting in your mind that this hump could be a step to a higher ground.
In conclusion, breaking up might seem to be the thing that you fear the most, carrying around some sort of an amulet to chase it away from you. And you try so hard to change for the other person, to meet his needs while this “OTHER” person doesn’t do the same. Well, it's time for you to open up your eyes, like I did, and grope for the eminent truth that will never change. Which is, you are a very important person, if not for others (which I strongly doubt) then to yourself, and you deserve nothing but the best and most lavish treatment that you can expect from a lover. However, don't settle for less, and don't expect the person in front of you to get it by hints or romantic rosy nights, just say what's on your mind, and what you want from this relationship before you even start.
And good luck X…I loved you, but it's time for me to move on…amazingly, I did by writing this column!
Ali
Editor’s Note: This column is raw, honest, and real! However this piece “Bye-bye”, written by our freelancer Ali, is true, but not anymore! This piece doesn’t reflect Ali’s break-up anymore, so we’d like to clear it up for you and for him as well. Congrats Ali, and Ali’s BF, I really wish you both happiness without that much written drama!